i have no idea where this is going to go, i just need to write.
i have been hiding. again. i tend to do that when i feel overwhelmed. i hide from what is really seeking me. its easier to run away from the feeling or things that are chasing the days…to ignore the truth that is staring you straight in the face. if we can build and hide behind a wall we feel safe – because that which is trying to find us may not quite catch us right away.
a friend asked me if my heart was in my work yesterday morning.
it hit me like a ton of bricks. that simple question he asked tore down a wall for me. one i have been building up to ignore the feeling. my heart is in this. but, i have a huge pull to photograph children and i haven’t really been doing so.
i need that to change just so i feel alive deep in my heart and in my core, as one of my dearest friends – he knew that. so his first response was to suggest i photograph his sweet little sisters – certain people just know exactly what you need without you having to ask
there is a difference between wanting and needing something and i truly believe as an artist i need to have this outlet in order for my days to feel full + my heart to be happy…because its about strengthening vision and creating.
i need to create.
i need to share.
i want others to feel a piece of what i feel.
i want to capture those
fleeting + embracing moments
so they can remember this sweet time in their lives.
so they can see their children for who they are – to see their soul come alive.
i am starting to realize when working with couples i approach each session as a way to share their story in a unique way visually. to capture their interactions + connections. to understand and tell their story of love through these moments i see and feel with my heart.
(heres where the tears come)
its about really telling my story, my hopes, my dreams, my feelings through their spirits – through their souls.
the connection i have with them
the moments they connect with me to share who they are and my photographs become a blending of our stories it is in that connection that i believe i can create something of meaning.
because the vision is there hand in hand with the connection.
the purpose aligns.
so knowing this, why do i continue to play this game with myself. is it the fear of feeling what i really love, is it me feeling unworthy of being happy, why do i play this game of hide and seek with myself every so often..why do i hold myself back from catching what i really want.
as a child we didn’t have rules inside of us that said we couldn’t or shouldn’t do something… we were taught those things as adults we were taught that through all the information we consume. but i believe there is a need as an artist to completely undo that thinking.. to be in the moment, to forget what people have told us about what’s right and wrong to make choices for ourselves. to feel through the process. through the moment. not think through it. FEEL through it.
to not think about yesterday or tomorrow.
to be here right now.
to stop thinking + start playing
because hide and seek is only fun when you aren’t really afraid of what’s looking for you.