VINE DESERE

TO COME UNDONE

i wish it made sense – that i could truly articulate, put CLEAR INTENTIONAL definitions on why or what it is that makes me feel the way i feel when i am

HOME - not as a place but as a state of BEING – IN HAITI

that i could make sense of why these people have quickly become my FAMILY and how that TRANSLATES INTO who i am or what i do now

i feel like IF i could validate my feelings that if i could explain them in a way that makes others understand that it would have meaning

but

right now, i cant

and i’m LETTING GO of trying to define it, describe it, outline the future, or hold on to it in a way that is not my own

i have no clue how to truly articulate it

i know HOW I FEEL

i know the DREAMS BUILDING PLACES around my heart

i know the PEOPLE who i have met in haiti, the girls who took me into their home, the families who allowed me to see their hearts, the new friends i hold so deeply in my heart are those who we will loving find joy in making sense of it

TOGETHER

i know the laughter that lingers  in MY SOUL comes from the voices of my sisters in delmas 75

and IT SINGS SO DAMN LOUD in my heart

it is the song i want EVERYONE TO HEAR

i know that there is SOMETHING

i understand the way I VIEW LOVE

is different because of the names, the eyes, the hearts, the potential I SEEK WITH EACH AND EVERYONE ONE OF THEM

to be undone

for family

for love

for purpose

for VOICE

is what OPENS MY EYES and HEART while PROVIDING PERMISSION to rest with a HAPPY easy HEART knowing

it is only

the beginning

 

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people always say the answers will come to you when you are least expecting it – that when you stop looking, whatever it is you need to learn

will find you.

last week lila invited me to fairy school + i was given one of those unexpected answers…

“fairy school” – i learned is a time where ashley tells lila stories in order to teach her life lessons.

as i watched ashley + lila have their daily fairy lesson. eli crawling around the room entertaining himself with the toys scattered about; as these two spoke to one another in their special way, teaching each other — i also had a lesson. i learned that i was there to photograph their family life from lila + eli’s eyes and heart because

that is what resonates with my core.

i am not a mother

i am a daughter, a sister

i am a free spirit

i am a kid at heart

i learned in fairy school that everything that i have been trying to make sense of is that i want to photograph families in a way that the children can remember their family life authentically as it is and to show their parents how their kids love and adore them, just as they are

as a photographer i want to give YOU permission to let go and to feel as your kids feel. i want you to allow your kids to be themselves. i say that with all my heart. i want you to unlearn everything you have imagined a beautiful family photograph to be and to think about how your children will remember their life as it is now.

because for me that is what matters, as my sisters and i have a group text going in which we exchange with one another our old family photographs, we go back and forth poking fun at one another – and i find myself laughing out loud every time. they are not the “pretty” family photographs, they are so undone as inevitably, one of us is bawling our eyes out and we are each in our own beautiful little world – hannah with her messy hair, emma with that attitude, abby with her high waist fashion, jack as the ‘perfect” clueless baby boy we all adored and me as the controlling awkward older sister…and for our crazy family… that was (and IS) real life, and as we pass along those photographs to one another, i feel our life as it was

growing up  - i’m reminded of us.

that is what i want for you

that is what i want to share

the beauty in the mess

because its not a mess after all

it is evidence of fostering curiosity, play, imagination, family…it is evidence of family love

and when you look around the room you see it in all the details of home

lila, thank you for taking me to fairy school because as i sat back and observed you learn, i found the greatest lesson of them all.

i’m here to see it through your eyes

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i believe that certain people come into our lives to be a mirror to our souls. they reflect honesty and truth into our hearts so that we can grow more into the person we want to become. they are the friends that call us on our bullshit, laugh at our jokes, they let us talk out our thoughts so that we can work our way through the moments. they are the friends that show us the ebs and flows, the trials and truths, they are the people who encourage and love without judgement. they are the friends who see us exactly – imperfectly – undone as we are and think that we are rad and special regardless. the friend that will share something they claim to be crazy+ irrational (but deep down in it they believe its really true and beautiful) …. and you listen with a smile – of relief and respond “i get it, me too”

yan palmer is one of those friends.

these photographs are a reflection of what i felt about her connection with her beautiful soulful children. she is raising, nurturing, encouraging, inspiring these three to be incredibly interesting and unique individuals. no seriously, i want to think and feel like wren + myra when i grow up. and my future husband he better learn to love like mr. shiloh.

i am thankful for her humoring my crazy

for encouraging me to photograph from my heart

to love without bounds

and for always giving me permission to be unapologetically – myself.  

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BE love.

if you know me, you have seen this over and over in everything i write

you have heard me justify where i am capable of BEing LOVE instead of being in love.

i wrote about this back in february as well

i have chosen to believe, that life is made up of moments. its made up of feelings. of people. of circumstances. of beliefs. its made up of expectations. of choices. and its made up of what we decide to we stand for.

instead of standing for something some one, some group, history or even my family has decided to deem as a way to live.

i want to BE. i want to be LOVE.

i don’t need to fall in love, or be loved by anyone to choose to stand for it.

i get to choose to be aware of beauty

i get to choose to see the things around me as love.

the light at the end of the street that i cant help but tell my friends to notice how beautiful the clouds are…thats BEing love.

opening their eyes to something is BEing LOVE

 this may mean taking an extra minute to write my note on a piece of paper instead of in a text message.

BEing LOVE just may mean that i slow down enough to look and try to feel what the people around me are feeling.

this may mean spending a little money on myself so I can sit to dinner in a restaurant to hear conversations and have a better understanding of humanity.

BEing LOVE may mean waking up a few hours earlier than i’m expected to be at work just to show the girl who is about to get married that I am that excited for her that i show up an hour before i’m expected.

it may mean listening to the guy on the street who asks for a dollar how his morning was

this may mean putting down my cell phone in the cab so i can hear about my drivers children and the funny stories he want to share.

its doesn’t take much.

it takes choosing

it takes slowing down

to BE in the moment

and FEEL

truly feel

to let go of what we thought was LOVE and truly begin to see what it means to BE LOVE.

i have come to learn the difference and for that i am thankful.

Because to BE love includes

compassion, understanding, choice, passion, intensity, awareness, compromise,

 it is not dependent on another person

for everyday

i just want to BE LOVE for the moment and whatever that may be

after all, i’m a dreamer who instead of believing in love wants to

BElove.

pitchfork526

and if you would like… here is my first post about this…. http://blog.jed-photo.com/be-love/